"Do you work here?"

"No I don't mam.I just show up at Dollar King eight hours a day (five days a week), just for the fun of it. To add to my amusement, I follow their dress code, wear a "Mike" name tag, stock the shelves and answer the phones. I actually get a sick thrill out of it."


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In any retail work environment, especially that of a dollar store, you're bound to be asked a series of questions by some of the most ignorant people that walk the face of the Earth. Like really, if we had an elaborate analysis and breakdown of the first 100 shoppers that entered the doors of my store, the results would mind boggling. Just so we know the "Who's who" on the people asking me the questions, I provided you with some data.

"A detailed analysis* of Dollar King Shoppers, by Mike Borger":
(*These are all true people that i have actually encountered in my short time at Dollar King. That is the scary part. Although the numbers are off, the cases are real)

Out of the first 100 people who entered the Ronkonoma Dollar King:

*68 Were elderly men and women in their mid to late 70's.

Of the 68:

20 Dyed their hair to match their fuchsia pink and turquoise blue diabetic friendly loafers

(In Their Defence (ITD): They're clearly trying to be trend setters. Hey, give them some credit. They were revolutionary in the Roaring 20's when they pushed the envelope and rebelled against all authority by wearing "mini" skirts that actually exposed their ankles. When Lindsey Lohan becomes diabetic, and dyes her hair orange to match her hideous shoes that let her numb toes breath, we'll alllll be thanking 93 year old Grandma McGillacuddy for starting the trend. Grandma McGillacuddy: THANK YOU)

16 Wore pretty revealing shorts that exposed their hideous liver spots and spider veins

(ITD: All they're trying to do is save us kids some money. Yeah, we can go to Island 16 and spend $40 to see "Drag me to Hell", "Halloween", or any other horror movie. But these elderly men and women are only looking out for our generation. Fully aware of our rock bottom economy, these people are actually making a sincere effort to improve our way of life by exposing themselves. A penny saved is a penny earned. As long as the weather remains warm, and the elderly dress casually, the 18-25 demographic should have should have pretty solid IRAs and well funded 401Ks)

14 Needed some sort of machine attached them so they wouldn't pass out on my floor

(No complaints from me.This is actually quite acceptable. I already have to scrape gum and lollipops off the floor. The last thing i need on my shift is having to mop up bodily fluids and smell what's in these people's adult diapers up close and personal)

12 Were exceptionally mean to their overweight grandchildren and wouldn't buy them soda

(Oh Come on grandma! These kids already don't have any friends. That's the reason why they're wearing the "cool and hip" above the knee jean shorts you bought them for their birthday and going shopping with you in the first place. Buy the kid a damn soda. He's been through enough....stay tuned for me ranking on the overweight grandchildren who go shopping with their grandparents a few lines down in my analysis =].)

1 Bought condoms from behind the counter
(I'm still trying to debate whether or not she was using them for sex, or as nifty storage bags for her 23 different medications. She did buy 7 packages. Is she replacing the traditional 7-day pill case? Or is she the town slut calling bingo numbers at the rec center on Monday nights? I've heard stories about how she calls B12 and looks at my grandpa all seductively It's really up for speculation right now.)

4 Asked me out to dinner

(Unfortunately my idea of a fun Saturday "night" does not consist of me eating dinner at 3pm at Nathan's hot dogs with you. I don't want to be removing the skin off of your hot dog so you don't choke to death, blowing on your fries, and burping you after every sip of Soda Pop so you don't get heartburn and indigestion. Oh and most importantly, i don't want to hear the "when I was girl we could get a hot dog for 5 cents!" speech 47 times because you'll wind up getting the "When i was an 18 year old, i left you at Nathan's to die" speech)

1 Tore the bumper right off her her brand new Toyota Camry as she slammed into the handicapped parking pole

(She then came into the store and complained to my manager that the poles need to be painted brighter so she could see them better. This happened today. I'm still laughing. Enough said.)

*14 Were obese boys and girls ages 6-13

Of the 14:

7 Were obese boys who went shopping with their grandma

(Okay this is a major problem. See, I go shopping with my grandma with but it's cool because i set boundaries. I don't ask to push the cart. I don't ask her to buy me things. I don't wear ANYTHING she has ever bought me for my birthday or Christmas (that includes but is not limited to: horrible smelling cologne, tight jean shorts that come above my knee, tube socks, ugly cowboy wrist watches , unfitted "favorite grandson" hats, and the list goes on.) I walk at least 3 feet ahead of so it looks like I'm guiding her around the store. Makes me look like the guy who takes the time to take care of his grandmother. I don't cry when when she doesn't buy me a bottle of banana scented hand soap that i "absolutely have to have". And most importantly, I never, EVER, smile and giggle at her corny jokes and silly dances that she performs throughout out the store because I don't want to look like a complete loser. I mean I'm only trying to help you out. You already don't have any friends, hence why you're at a dollar store on a Friday night with your grandma. See Mike Borger has an excuse to be there. I'm Working there. You on the other hand, well, i just don't quite know)

7 Were obese girls who went shopping with their grandma

(See above. Change a few things around. Use your imagination)

*12 Were teenage guys ages 14-19

Of the 12:

10 came as a group wearing the same Abercrombie shirt, matching hairstyles, and flipflops

(You guys that do this are not cool at all. For the love of god show some individuality. Maybe one of you could push the envelope just a touch, and wear like a different brand of clothing? I know that's a major risk and all, but come on. You guys really don't understand the fact that you look like complete assholes. I'm sorry. But it's true. It's damn true.)

1 Was Gay and tried to get me to hang out with him

(Not gonna lie. He was sporting a phat Zoo-York hoody and ill Nike 6.0s but Mike Borger doesn't get down like that. sorry. Nothing against Gay people at all. I'm just straight.)

1 Didn't know what to get his girlfriend for their anniversary

(First off, why are you in a dollar store looking for a gift for her?! I guess you really don't want to celebrate another year with her. I guarantee you that if you gave a cheap, plastic dollar store anything for her anniversary, she would kick you in the crotch so fast, the kids in China that made the gift would flinch. He wound up getting her a Lavender Meadows scented jar candle. It was actually kind of nice. The downfall? All we had was Hanuka tissue paper and baby shower gift bags. Good luck buddy =])

*3 Were teenage girls ages 14-19

Of the 3:

1 Was a complete Bitch to me

(I'm happy that you're having fun with your friends in the paper towel aisle, but Mike Borger just spent a good portion of his day cleaning it. So yeah. I'm going to tell you to stop playing kick ball in MY aisle. And yes. I WILL get my manager. I don't care that you cursed me out and rolled your eyes at me. Nobody F*cks with my aisle. Thanks.)

1 Was a complete moron

(I watched her try to balance a garbage pale, a can of Progresso French Onion soup, two aluminum pans, and a glass vase while talking on the phone. Let's just say it didn't end too well.)

1 Was actually nice to me

(I actually made that up)

*3 Didn't speak English very well

Of the 3:

3 Of them didn't speak English very well

(..........)

***THIS CONCLUDES THE ANALYSIS. NOW LET'S CONTINUE***

Okay so now that we have a basic understanding of the people that patron my store, you shouldn't be surprised by any of the following questions that I get asked multiple times on a daily basis:

"Do you work here?"

("No I don't mam. I just show up at Dollar King eight hours a day (five days a week), just for the fun of it. To add to my amusement, I follow their dress code, wear a "Mike" name tag, stock the shelves, and answer the phones. I actually get a pretty sick thrill out of it. Not gonna lie.")

"Are you closed?"

("No mam. We generally open the store to the public by shutting all the lights, locking the door, setting the alarm, and walking towards our cars.")

"How much is this?"

("This plastic dish is a dollar mam. With all the $37.99 stores around, i can understand your confusion.")

"Do you guys sell pneumatic sheet rock cutters?"

("Sorry sir. Our N.A.S.A. delivery actually got delayed this week. Come back next Friday.")

Working at a dollar store is quite entertaining.