Just say what has to be said!

"Why should I have to spend an hour establishing an alibi and creating elaborate storylines just to hide the fact that nature has me on speed-dial, and is laying the smackdown on my anytime minutes?"

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My name is Mike Borger. If you know me, you know that I don't keep any secrets about myself or lie about anything. If I have to take a monster crap while you're talking to me about your exciting life story, ill ask you very politely to hold on tight to your thought, because i have to take a monster crap. It isn't rude. It's just me being straight up with you.

Like if I said, "Hey, can you hang on for like 20 minutes? I have to do something"(as I'm grabbing the extra soft 2-ply toilet paper, a newspaper, and the citrus breeze air freshener), any half witted person I would find myself speaking to, could easily put all the pieces of this complex puzzle together. "Oh. I guess Mike Borger really needs to go to the bathroom." Well that would be a correct statement Sherlock.

Why should I have to spend an hour establishing an alibi and creating elaborate storylines just to hide the fact that nature has me on speed-dial, and is laying the smackdown on my "anytime" minutes? Really. We've all witnessed friends and strangers go through extreme lengths to try and cover up the fact that really need to use the bathroom. Nine out of ten times it's pretty hilarious.

For example, we've all had that two hour text message marathon with a girl or boy that we like. You know what i'm talking about. One of those conversations where you literally don't take the phone out of your hand. You're laying on you bed barefoot in a tee shirt, TV is off, and you have a really deep song lyric set as your away message on AIM that everyone on your buddy list Google's, and finds the need to send you a message with the next line of the song, thinking that they're entertaining you. And you're on that status where the second your phone even thinks about vibrating or chiming to alert you of an incoming message, you're already thinking of cute or funny things to say in response.

These conversations always have a rhythm. By the fourth text you get to size up the situation. "Okay, this girl seems to write back every two minutes.....the last message took about four minutes for her to send because she did say she was eating a hot pocket...those take a few minutes to eat....factor in the cellular winds....." And just admit it! We all have stupid thoughts running through our minds while we're waiting for the reply. My point however, is the fact that the text message conversation is consistent. So when all of a sudden you write a message that clearly deserves an instant "LMFAO! :-)", and 13 minutes pass, you know something went down on the other end of the phone. You didn't get the "BRB" or "My dad's calling me", you got dead air. 13 minutes later the excuses begin:

"Oh my bad... my battery died"

(You're a complete moron if your battery dies when your at your damn house where chargers and electrical outlets are readily available. And not only that, your phone gives you a ridiculous amount of time and notice to get it on a charger. I'm talking flashing lights, annoying sounds, and red logos. So that's just a bold face lie and ya know it.)

"Somebody was just knocking on my door lol"

(First of all bitch, it's 2am. We both know there is no one at all at your door. You're an awesome person, but I highly doubt that people can't wait until the sun is out to see you. If somebody was really knocking on your door that early in the morning, they're looking for drugs or to straight up take your loot.)

"Opps I feel asleep haha"

(Oh PLEASE! Are you kidding me?! Who the fuck goes to sleep in the middle of texting the person they have a major crush on? That doesn't happen at all and you know it! Your mind is racing at like 100MPH and all you can think about is that person. You aren't falling asleep for another 4 hours easy.)

(And the only thing better than the text message excuse, is the AIM conversation that goes idle as "screenname is typing..." because then you really know that some serious shit was taking place)

So there is only one logical explanation that even a drugged up Steve and his dog Blue could get without the use of his "Handy Dandy Notebook":

"HomeGirl really needed to take a shit!"

Now if she just had the courage to say that, i would obviously laugh, but would respect her like crazy because now I really know what's going on. If I didn't know what she was doing, and she didn't text me back on the scheduled 2 minute wait time, that would easily be the longest 13 minutes of my life. "Did she get tired of talking to me? Did I say something stupid? OHHHH FUCK MY LIFE SHE HATES ME!" Then you get all red and embarrassed for some reason. You start to sweat because you really think you fucked everything up and you'll never see her again. Then 13 minutes later when you get the excuse text (which is code for "i really had to take a shit"), you breath a sigh of relief and the world begins to spin again.

But just imagine what could have been accomplished during those long 13 minutes if you knew what she was doing. If you knew what was going on, you wouldn't have had a nervous breakdown and ended up in fetal position in your underwear on your bed. With all that time you could have fluffed your pillows to provide extra comfort and lumbar support to enhance your texting situation. You could have turn the TV on and watch Emril Lagasse make a delicious marinated steak with sauteed onions and roasted garlic potatoes. More importantly you could have made a sandwich! For the love of God you've been talking to this girl non-stop for hours! You missed your mom's spaghetti and meatball dinner for crying out loud. And because she was too shy to tell you her poop status, you have to suffer. It isn't fair and it isn't right but that's the way it's gonna be.

So my final word here? If people just say what has to be said, we would all be great gourmet chefs with outstanding posture. We would all be on the up and up. And most importantly, there would be a great deal of respect.