You like really just said that?

In the spring 2010 semester, I needed to take a public speaking class. After each one of my speeches, I would get 5 anonymous comment sheets from students in the class giving me feedback and “tips”….what you are about to read is pretty ridiculous and absolutely true.

Assignment: Informative speech

Topic: The World Wrestling Federation (WWF) Attitude Era (How Vince McMahon revolutionized the television entertainment industry by transforming the professional wrestling product from superheroes in tights, to new age rebels with incredibly dark and elaborate story lines. He used dangerous stunts, half naked women, racy characters, and crossed every possible line for cable TV standards to turn a company that was on the brink of bankruptcy, to a billion dollar enterprise that absolutely shattered TV ratings records.)

Anonymous student comments:

1) “You really need to be more mindful of your audience. I’m a girl that never watched wrestling, so I couldn’t relate to anything you were saying”

(Let’s see. There were only 3 girls that came to class the day of my speech, which means one of them is a really dumb bitch. If I recall correctly, of the three girls that were present that day, one did a speech on modern day witchcraft, one did a speech on designer jeans for girls that cost $400 (why everyone should own at least 3 pairs), and the other one did a speech on putting avocados on your sandwich instead of mayonnaise (as a substitute. She says you would never be able to tell it wasnt mayo) . I dont know who to yell at, so i'll just run down the list of possible morons who may have given me that review)

*My response to the girl who did her speech on modern day witchcraft:

(Are you fuking kidding me?! You cant relate to MY speech on wrestling because you’re a girl? Well maybe I couldn’t relate to YOUR speech on that black magic voodoo shit that I had to listen to for 12 minutes. Believe it or not, I’m 100% Italian. I’m not 50% Italian, 25% wicked witch of the west, and 25% I dream of Jeannie. So why don’t ya click your heels together three times, fold your arms, shake your head, and and find the fastest way possible to make it to hell, and burn there.)

*My response to the girl who did her speech on $400 jeans for girls:

(Those $400 jeans for girls you were talking about, do they come in a $30 men’s version size W30 L30? Oh wait they don’t? Really? Because I could really relate to your speech! So why don’t you try to relate to my foot going directly up your ass and shut your mouth. While you’re at it, Go find a $400 designer dildo and go fuk ya self).

*My response to the girl who did her speech on avocados instead of mayonnaise:

(“Yea jimmy…instead of using this stainless steel galvanized flex-pipe, I figured id use these plastic bendy straws! I mean, they’re like the same thing!”)


2) “I found your speech boring…please use more visual aids next time”

(More visual aids? MORE VISUAL AIDS?! Did you not see the THREE videos I played?? Were you not looking at the full color, 14 slide PowerPoint with high resolution photos I had on the huge 6’ by 6’ screen?? Like how much weed do you smoke? I know smoking kills brain cells, I didn’t know it resulted in blindness. And last I checked, a video of a guy being thrown of the top of a 20 foot high steel cage, through a table on the ground, with a crowd of 30,000 people yelling and screaming is FAR from boring. Next time ill come prepared with clips from Harold and Kumar go to white castle, Half Baked, and like the 2010 beer pong championships. More up your alley for entertainment?)

3) “I could tell you put a lot of time and effort into your speech and it really showed. Great job”

(Yea so literally 3 hours before class, I was at the Wendy’s drive through window getting a spicy chicken sandwich combo…as I was driving away, I sipped on my diet coke, ate a few fries and proceeded to open my honey mustard and started to put it on my sandwich. All of a sudden, my mind went blank.**SONAR RADAR SOUND** “I have a Speech due in three hours!!! I haven’t even started yet!” So I actually went back around through the drive through because I forgot to order my nuggets. It was the first week that Wendy’s had the spicy nuggets so I HAD to try them. I got em, and they were LEGIT. Its kinda sad that they took them off the menu though. Those nuggets were way better than the original ones and now they’re gone forever. But hey. Nickelodeon took Hey Arnold and Real Monsters off their network right? Life goes on. There is always hope though. Every now and then, subway makes their hot pastrami sub $5 (normally $8) and sometimes its buy one get one free,,,,the point is that you never really know whats gonna happen. For all we know, Nickelodeon has plans on having a marathon of our favorite shows from the mid 1990's...Maybe Burger King transforms into a vegan friendly TOFU KING. Do vegans even eat Tofu? Here is what i really find funny. The whole reason you are a vegan is due to the fact that you don't eat meat. Not because you don't like meat, or because your body cant handle it, its generally because the person is pro animal rights. They hate people that consume animals, and the mear thought of eating animal flesh is disgusting to them. SOOOOOO why do companies that make ToFu, advertise their product as tasting like meat, and having the same teture? And why do vegetarians and vegans eat this product>! Its a huge contradiction...Anyway I really hope somebody gets my sense of humor. I really do… )

A series of short Dollar King rants....

Updated Customer Questions Since My First Blog...

"Your freezer is blowing hot air, is there something wrong with it?"

( Nope its working perfectly fine! We actually enjoy selling our vitamin water at 90 degree temperatures with melting bottle caps!)

"Why did you move the Gatorade to that cooler?"

(So many things are wrong with that question. Number one, why the fuck is that of ANY concern to you? The reasons mike borger decides to move the gatorade to a different cooler, doesnt need to be publicly broadcasted. Number two, that's pretty cute that noticed i moved the gatorade. Did you notice your daughter is a huge slut with a crack addiction? She cuts her wrists too. Ya might wanna OBSERVE that)

"Now that you moved that sign to the right spot, is the price automatically changed at the register?"

(Yeah i actually just graduated from the New York College of Black Magic And VooDoo....now that i moved the sign over, ill cast a few spells, say some magic words, wave a wand, and the the computer system will know that i moved the sign, thus automatically changing the price of that broom.)

"Ohhhhh, you guys sell milk?"

(No sir. Those 12 gallons of milk on the shelf with that cute $1.28 sign are an optical illusion you dumb fuck)

"Is the only aisle where you would have shower caps?"

(Hmmm, did you try the hardware section?)

"Do you work here?" (part 2 of 4298746)

(This time i was asked this by a 7 year old boy. For God's sake i was behind the counter using the helium tanks, blowing balloons, and curling ribbon. Kid must have been a pre-k drop out =/)

"Can you show me where the sanitary napkins are?"

(okay that's a legitimate question. Nothing weird.....)

"Do you know which one works better?"

(really lady? Do you really expect me to answer that? HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?!)

Things my manager shouldn't ask me at 3:17pm, as Gina and I are blowing up an order of 5 dozen balloons for 3:30pm with a line of customer to the back of the store:

"Mike, can you please help this nice lady find a birthday card for her grandson?"

(Well at least we have our priorities straight!)

"Hey Mike, here's $10. Can you run to Alberto's real quick to pick up my calzone?"

(I sure can! Screw the customer that already paid $40 to have her balloons ready for 3:30 as long as you have your calzone! That's the real important thing here! Let's just hope her kid won't graduate! Then not having her balloons really won't make a difference, you get to eat, and everyones happy!)

"When you get a chance, like now, can you make sure the toliet still isn't running? It's been on since sunday and Roberto couldn't fix it"

(Oh that makes a ton of sense to ask me that at a time like this! I forget i went to plumbing school. The water has been running for fucking 4 days. We can't wait another damn 14 minutes to solve this problem?????)

So we all want the "Dislike" button on facebook.....

Well why stop there? Let's make the FaceBook experience even more impersonal! As it stands now, the "Like" button already eliminates the need for any thoughtful responses to status updates, photos, and other postings. It's the lazy FaceBook user's way out of actually communicating with their 300 "friends". Every now and then they'll toss you a bone by "Liking" your photo and adding a one word pity comment such as "Cool", "Chill", "Phat", or even the one I use 90% of the time, "Siiiiiick*". But it's cool because that sends your friend 2 notifications, which believe it or not can actually be the cornerstone to them having a great day. 2 extra notifications can lead to them posting a "happy" type of status instead of a "sad" one.

Being a "happy" status, it gets "Liked" by 12 people. Of the 12 people, 3 leave comments. So we're talking about one of those 36 total comments postings where you have to click the"see all 36 comments" link when it's all said and done because its so damn serious....so an hour later, 2 of the 3 posters are pissed off now because the poster who posted the original posting, is only really responding to the one person he was trying to talk to the entire time because it's his actual friend (not "facebook friend"....well actually it's not even a real friend....it just the person that they kinda sorta know from work or school and have a small crush on them but they aren't really sure how it would play out, ya know?...you do know.... ). So now we have 11 pissed off people getting 36 notifications from all the back and forth conversing generated by the 2 people talking about completely unrelated topics that have NOTHING to with the reason why they "Liked" the status to begin with. So now you got 6 people who "Un-Liked" your status which normally would make you upset but you don't give a fuck because your public conversation with the person you've been wanting to talk to, just turned into an awesome Private Message chat! So now you're exchanging cell numbers, flirting like crazy, using a ton of exclamations, and an absurd amount of smiley faces. The private message convo ends with a "text me up sometime =]" and 3 minutes go by and the text marathon begins. You start to text for 2 hours straight and get a mysterious 15 minutes pause in the action but I won't get into that right now. Text convo ends with "Lets get dinner 2mrw!". So now you have a date. Tomorrow comes around, you go out to dinner, and have the time of your life. 3 weeks, 6 dates, and $450 later, you're officially dating that person. BOOM. We all live happily ever after and the world is that much better of a place. Now that's something everybody can enjoy.

If the 2 extra notifications didn't happen, that same person winds up shopping at Dollar King. They then proceed to ask me a stupid fucking question. This question ends up in Mike Borger's blog and gets read by their best friend. They calls them up to make fun of them. That person starts to feel like shit, and just takes a nap.

Can i get on with my post now? Thanks.

So why stop at just adding a "Dislike" button to Facebook? Here's a few extra buttons i would love to see added to ensure that my Facebook experience is even more impersonal than it already is:

The "Im bored out of my fucking mind, so in an attempt to initiate some sort of interaction with a person i don't know, i will push this" button.

The "Wow you look really hot in this picture but im too much of a fucking pussy to say anything about it so ill just push this" button.

The "I talk so much shit about you behind your back, but to make it seem like we're cool ill push this" button.

The "You look like such a dumb fuck in this photo" button

The "OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA POST THE SAME STATUS?!" button

The "I really don't know why I added you as a friend. We talked like one time and you creeped me out. Now you plague my newsfeed with quizzes, updates, photos, and completely stupid shit I don't particularly want to see" button.

The "Do you know how to use spell-check because it isn't really that hard" button

The "As I sit here in my room, searching for the meaning of life, at 3 in the morning, the world is passing me by. I see friends going off to college. I see people at my job transfering to new stores. I feel like i'm completely out of touch. I stand up and walk into the kitchen to grab of glass of water. I fill it up three quarters of the way and add five ice cubes to keep it cold. Due to the fact that I have sensitive teeth, I also grab a bendy straw. While in the kitchen I search for a little snack. A Hostess cupcake to be exact and I know EXACTLY where the cream filling is. I'm not about to fly into a fucking Hostess cupcake billboard on the side of the road outside of a broken down diner in the middle of a 113 degree desert, get my brains rocked, and ask where it is. I'm smart enough to identify what real food is and I refuse to be used for tacky, mid 90's, TV marketing. So now that I sipped my drink and ate my snack, I'm pretty content. I go check my myspace. No comments. I go onto Facebook. 2 Notifications!? ALL RIGHT! That puts me in the perfect mood to comment on somebodies "Happy" status! I'll sure make their day by being the 12th person to "Like" their status! Oh but wait! There's a button that allows me to show this person that even though I really don't know them too well, just from work and school, I kind of have a crush on them, but I really don't know where it's going. Maybe I can get their attention and engage in some sort of unrelated conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with their status. Sure people well get annoyed with all of the unnecessary notifications, but it's cool because if all goes well, maybe we can private message each other! I'll give her my number and we can text! That should lead to us setting up a dinner date! Hopefully we'll start a great relationship! well, here goes nothing!" button.

After all of this I bet somebody reading this thought I completely forgot about the huge red asterisk planted at the beginning of this rant. You were all ready to send me messages asking what the hell I was thinking. "Why would you put an asterisk, and not have any additional footnotes to go with it?" Well. How about you shut up. I got your footnote RIGHT HEREEEEE ***[GRABS CROTCH]*** ("Analyze This" reference. I shouldnt have to explain that. If you didn't watch the movie you should die. Like right away.)

(*FOOTNOTE: See all the i's that I used there? That actually makes that "one word" comment a "one and a half word" comment. I'll admit that I am in fact lazy sometimes when it comes to commenting, but at least I take the time and effort to show you that a little bit of thought was used. I could have spelt "Sick" with the traditional one "I" but I didn't. I used six because my name is Mike Borger and I care.....to an extent.)

Just say what has to be said!

"Why should I have to spend an hour establishing an alibi and creating elaborate storylines just to hide the fact that nature has me on speed-dial, and is laying the smackdown on my anytime minutes?"

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My name is Mike Borger. If you know me, you know that I don't keep any secrets about myself or lie about anything. If I have to take a monster crap while you're talking to me about your exciting life story, ill ask you very politely to hold on tight to your thought, because i have to take a monster crap. It isn't rude. It's just me being straight up with you.

Like if I said, "Hey, can you hang on for like 20 minutes? I have to do something"(as I'm grabbing the extra soft 2-ply toilet paper, a newspaper, and the citrus breeze air freshener), any half witted person I would find myself speaking to, could easily put all the pieces of this complex puzzle together. "Oh. I guess Mike Borger really needs to go to the bathroom." Well that would be a correct statement Sherlock.

Why should I have to spend an hour establishing an alibi and creating elaborate storylines just to hide the fact that nature has me on speed-dial, and is laying the smackdown on my "anytime" minutes? Really. We've all witnessed friends and strangers go through extreme lengths to try and cover up the fact that really need to use the bathroom. Nine out of ten times it's pretty hilarious.

For example, we've all had that two hour text message marathon with a girl or boy that we like. You know what i'm talking about. One of those conversations where you literally don't take the phone out of your hand. You're laying on you bed barefoot in a tee shirt, TV is off, and you have a really deep song lyric set as your away message on AIM that everyone on your buddy list Google's, and finds the need to send you a message with the next line of the song, thinking that they're entertaining you. And you're on that status where the second your phone even thinks about vibrating or chiming to alert you of an incoming message, you're already thinking of cute or funny things to say in response.

These conversations always have a rhythm. By the fourth text you get to size up the situation. "Okay, this girl seems to write back every two minutes.....the last message took about four minutes for her to send because she did say she was eating a hot pocket...those take a few minutes to eat....factor in the cellular winds....." And just admit it! We all have stupid thoughts running through our minds while we're waiting for the reply. My point however, is the fact that the text message conversation is consistent. So when all of a sudden you write a message that clearly deserves an instant "LMFAO! :-)", and 13 minutes pass, you know something went down on the other end of the phone. You didn't get the "BRB" or "My dad's calling me", you got dead air. 13 minutes later the excuses begin:

"Oh my bad... my battery died"

(You're a complete moron if your battery dies when your at your damn house where chargers and electrical outlets are readily available. And not only that, your phone gives you a ridiculous amount of time and notice to get it on a charger. I'm talking flashing lights, annoying sounds, and red logos. So that's just a bold face lie and ya know it.)

"Somebody was just knocking on my door lol"

(First of all bitch, it's 2am. We both know there is no one at all at your door. You're an awesome person, but I highly doubt that people can't wait until the sun is out to see you. If somebody was really knocking on your door that early in the morning, they're looking for drugs or to straight up take your loot.)

"Opps I feel asleep haha"

(Oh PLEASE! Are you kidding me?! Who the fuck goes to sleep in the middle of texting the person they have a major crush on? That doesn't happen at all and you know it! Your mind is racing at like 100MPH and all you can think about is that person. You aren't falling asleep for another 4 hours easy.)

(And the only thing better than the text message excuse, is the AIM conversation that goes idle as "screenname is typing..." because then you really know that some serious shit was taking place)

So there is only one logical explanation that even a drugged up Steve and his dog Blue could get without the use of his "Handy Dandy Notebook":

"HomeGirl really needed to take a shit!"

Now if she just had the courage to say that, i would obviously laugh, but would respect her like crazy because now I really know what's going on. If I didn't know what she was doing, and she didn't text me back on the scheduled 2 minute wait time, that would easily be the longest 13 minutes of my life. "Did she get tired of talking to me? Did I say something stupid? OHHHH FUCK MY LIFE SHE HATES ME!" Then you get all red and embarrassed for some reason. You start to sweat because you really think you fucked everything up and you'll never see her again. Then 13 minutes later when you get the excuse text (which is code for "i really had to take a shit"), you breath a sigh of relief and the world begins to spin again.

But just imagine what could have been accomplished during those long 13 minutes if you knew what she was doing. If you knew what was going on, you wouldn't have had a nervous breakdown and ended up in fetal position in your underwear on your bed. With all that time you could have fluffed your pillows to provide extra comfort and lumbar support to enhance your texting situation. You could have turn the TV on and watch Emril Lagasse make a delicious marinated steak with sauteed onions and roasted garlic potatoes. More importantly you could have made a sandwich! For the love of God you've been talking to this girl non-stop for hours! You missed your mom's spaghetti and meatball dinner for crying out loud. And because she was too shy to tell you her poop status, you have to suffer. It isn't fair and it isn't right but that's the way it's gonna be.

So my final word here? If people just say what has to be said, we would all be great gourmet chefs with outstanding posture. We would all be on the up and up. And most importantly, there would be a great deal of respect.

"Do you work here?"

"No I don't mam.I just show up at Dollar King eight hours a day (five days a week), just for the fun of it. To add to my amusement, I follow their dress code, wear a "Mike" name tag, stock the shelves and answer the phones. I actually get a sick thrill out of it."


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In any retail work environment, especially that of a dollar store, you're bound to be asked a series of questions by some of the most ignorant people that walk the face of the Earth. Like really, if we had an elaborate analysis and breakdown of the first 100 shoppers that entered the doors of my store, the results would mind boggling. Just so we know the "Who's who" on the people asking me the questions, I provided you with some data.

"A detailed analysis* of Dollar King Shoppers, by Mike Borger":
(*These are all true people that i have actually encountered in my short time at Dollar King. That is the scary part. Although the numbers are off, the cases are real)

Out of the first 100 people who entered the Ronkonoma Dollar King:

*68 Were elderly men and women in their mid to late 70's.

Of the 68:

20 Dyed their hair to match their fuchsia pink and turquoise blue diabetic friendly loafers

(In Their Defence (ITD): They're clearly trying to be trend setters. Hey, give them some credit. They were revolutionary in the Roaring 20's when they pushed the envelope and rebelled against all authority by wearing "mini" skirts that actually exposed their ankles. When Lindsey Lohan becomes diabetic, and dyes her hair orange to match her hideous shoes that let her numb toes breath, we'll alllll be thanking 93 year old Grandma McGillacuddy for starting the trend. Grandma McGillacuddy: THANK YOU)

16 Wore pretty revealing shorts that exposed their hideous liver spots and spider veins

(ITD: All they're trying to do is save us kids some money. Yeah, we can go to Island 16 and spend $40 to see "Drag me to Hell", "Halloween", or any other horror movie. But these elderly men and women are only looking out for our generation. Fully aware of our rock bottom economy, these people are actually making a sincere effort to improve our way of life by exposing themselves. A penny saved is a penny earned. As long as the weather remains warm, and the elderly dress casually, the 18-25 demographic should have should have pretty solid IRAs and well funded 401Ks)

14 Needed some sort of machine attached them so they wouldn't pass out on my floor

(No complaints from me.This is actually quite acceptable. I already have to scrape gum and lollipops off the floor. The last thing i need on my shift is having to mop up bodily fluids and smell what's in these people's adult diapers up close and personal)

12 Were exceptionally mean to their overweight grandchildren and wouldn't buy them soda

(Oh Come on grandma! These kids already don't have any friends. That's the reason why they're wearing the "cool and hip" above the knee jean shorts you bought them for their birthday and going shopping with you in the first place. Buy the kid a damn soda. He's been through enough....stay tuned for me ranking on the overweight grandchildren who go shopping with their grandparents a few lines down in my analysis =].)

1 Bought condoms from behind the counter
(I'm still trying to debate whether or not she was using them for sex, or as nifty storage bags for her 23 different medications. She did buy 7 packages. Is she replacing the traditional 7-day pill case? Or is she the town slut calling bingo numbers at the rec center on Monday nights? I've heard stories about how she calls B12 and looks at my grandpa all seductively It's really up for speculation right now.)

4 Asked me out to dinner

(Unfortunately my idea of a fun Saturday "night" does not consist of me eating dinner at 3pm at Nathan's hot dogs with you. I don't want to be removing the skin off of your hot dog so you don't choke to death, blowing on your fries, and burping you after every sip of Soda Pop so you don't get heartburn and indigestion. Oh and most importantly, i don't want to hear the "when I was girl we could get a hot dog for 5 cents!" speech 47 times because you'll wind up getting the "When i was an 18 year old, i left you at Nathan's to die" speech)

1 Tore the bumper right off her her brand new Toyota Camry as she slammed into the handicapped parking pole

(She then came into the store and complained to my manager that the poles need to be painted brighter so she could see them better. This happened today. I'm still laughing. Enough said.)

*14 Were obese boys and girls ages 6-13

Of the 14:

7 Were obese boys who went shopping with their grandma

(Okay this is a major problem. See, I go shopping with my grandma with but it's cool because i set boundaries. I don't ask to push the cart. I don't ask her to buy me things. I don't wear ANYTHING she has ever bought me for my birthday or Christmas (that includes but is not limited to: horrible smelling cologne, tight jean shorts that come above my knee, tube socks, ugly cowboy wrist watches , unfitted "favorite grandson" hats, and the list goes on.) I walk at least 3 feet ahead of so it looks like I'm guiding her around the store. Makes me look like the guy who takes the time to take care of his grandmother. I don't cry when when she doesn't buy me a bottle of banana scented hand soap that i "absolutely have to have". And most importantly, I never, EVER, smile and giggle at her corny jokes and silly dances that she performs throughout out the store because I don't want to look like a complete loser. I mean I'm only trying to help you out. You already don't have any friends, hence why you're at a dollar store on a Friday night with your grandma. See Mike Borger has an excuse to be there. I'm Working there. You on the other hand, well, i just don't quite know)

7 Were obese girls who went shopping with their grandma

(See above. Change a few things around. Use your imagination)

*12 Were teenage guys ages 14-19

Of the 12:

10 came as a group wearing the same Abercrombie shirt, matching hairstyles, and flipflops

(You guys that do this are not cool at all. For the love of god show some individuality. Maybe one of you could push the envelope just a touch, and wear like a different brand of clothing? I know that's a major risk and all, but come on. You guys really don't understand the fact that you look like complete assholes. I'm sorry. But it's true. It's damn true.)

1 Was Gay and tried to get me to hang out with him

(Not gonna lie. He was sporting a phat Zoo-York hoody and ill Nike 6.0s but Mike Borger doesn't get down like that. sorry. Nothing against Gay people at all. I'm just straight.)

1 Didn't know what to get his girlfriend for their anniversary

(First off, why are you in a dollar store looking for a gift for her?! I guess you really don't want to celebrate another year with her. I guarantee you that if you gave a cheap, plastic dollar store anything for her anniversary, she would kick you in the crotch so fast, the kids in China that made the gift would flinch. He wound up getting her a Lavender Meadows scented jar candle. It was actually kind of nice. The downfall? All we had was Hanuka tissue paper and baby shower gift bags. Good luck buddy =])

*3 Were teenage girls ages 14-19

Of the 3:

1 Was a complete Bitch to me

(I'm happy that you're having fun with your friends in the paper towel aisle, but Mike Borger just spent a good portion of his day cleaning it. So yeah. I'm going to tell you to stop playing kick ball in MY aisle. And yes. I WILL get my manager. I don't care that you cursed me out and rolled your eyes at me. Nobody F*cks with my aisle. Thanks.)

1 Was a complete moron

(I watched her try to balance a garbage pale, a can of Progresso French Onion soup, two aluminum pans, and a glass vase while talking on the phone. Let's just say it didn't end too well.)

1 Was actually nice to me

(I actually made that up)

*3 Didn't speak English very well

Of the 3:

3 Of them didn't speak English very well

(..........)

***THIS CONCLUDES THE ANALYSIS. NOW LET'S CONTINUE***

Okay so now that we have a basic understanding of the people that patron my store, you shouldn't be surprised by any of the following questions that I get asked multiple times on a daily basis:

"Do you work here?"

("No I don't mam. I just show up at Dollar King eight hours a day (five days a week), just for the fun of it. To add to my amusement, I follow their dress code, wear a "Mike" name tag, stock the shelves, and answer the phones. I actually get a pretty sick thrill out of it. Not gonna lie.")

"Are you closed?"

("No mam. We generally open the store to the public by shutting all the lights, locking the door, setting the alarm, and walking towards our cars.")

"How much is this?"

("This plastic dish is a dollar mam. With all the $37.99 stores around, i can understand your confusion.")

"Do you guys sell pneumatic sheet rock cutters?"

("Sorry sir. Our N.A.S.A. delivery actually got delayed this week. Come back next Friday.")

Working at a dollar store is quite entertaining.