Well why stop there? Let's make the FaceBook experience even more impersonal! As it stands now, the "Like" button already eliminates the need for any thoughtful responses to status updates, photos, and other postings. It's the lazy FaceBook user's way out of actually communicating with their 300 "friends". Every now and then they'll toss you a bone by "Liking" your photo and adding a one word pity comment such as "Cool", "Chill", "Phat", or even the one I use 90% of the time, "Siiiiiick*". But it's cool because that sends your friend 2 notifications, which believe it or not can actually be the cornerstone to them having a great day. 2 extra notifications can lead to them posting a "happy" type of status instead of a "sad" one.
Being a "happy" status, it gets "Liked" by 12 people. Of the 12 people, 3 leave comments. So we're talking about one of those 36 total comments postings where you have to click the"see all 36 comments" link when it's all said and done because its so damn serious....so an hour later, 2 of the 3 posters are pissed off now because the poster who posted the original posting, is only really responding to the one person he was trying to talk to the entire time because it's his actual friend (not "facebook friend"....well actually it's not even a real friend....it just the person that they kinda sorta know from work or school and have a small crush on them but they aren't really sure how it would play out, ya know?...you do know.... ). So now we have 11 pissed off people getting 36 notifications from all the back and forth conversing generated by the 2 people talking about completely unrelated topics that have NOTHING to with the reason why they "Liked" the status to begin with. So now you got 6 people who "Un-Liked" your status which normally would make you upset but you don't give a fuck because your public conversation with the person you've been wanting to talk to, just turned into an awesome Private Message chat! So now you're exchanging cell numbers, flirting like crazy, using a ton of exclamations, and an absurd amount of smiley faces. The private message convo ends with a "text me up sometime =]" and 3 minutes go by and the text marathon begins. You start to text for 2 hours straight and get a mysterious 15 minutes pause in the action but I won't get into that right now. Text convo ends with "Lets get dinner 2mrw!". So now you have a date. Tomorrow comes around, you go out to dinner, and have the time of your life. 3 weeks, 6 dates, and $450 later, you're officially dating that person. BOOM. We all live happily ever after and the world is that much better of a place. Now that's something everybody can enjoy.
If the 2 extra notifications didn't happen, that same person winds up shopping at Dollar King. They then proceed to ask me a stupid fucking question. This question ends up in Mike Borger's blog and gets read by their best friend. They calls them up to make fun of them. That person starts to feel like shit, and just takes a nap.
Can i get on with my post now? Thanks.
So why stop at just adding a "Dislike" button to Facebook? Here's a few extra buttons i would love to see added to ensure that my Facebook experience is even more impersonal than it already is:
The "Im bored out of my fucking mind, so in an attempt to initiate some sort of interaction with a person i don't know, i will push this" button.
The "Wow you look really hot in this picture but im too much of a fucking pussy to say anything about it so ill just push this" button.
The "I talk so much shit about you behind your back, but to make it seem like we're cool ill push this" button.
The "You look like such a dumb fuck in this photo" button
The "OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA POST THE SAME STATUS?!" button
The "I really don't know why I added you as a friend. We talked like one time and you creeped me out. Now you plague my newsfeed with quizzes, updates, photos, and completely stupid shit I don't particularly want to see" button.
The "Do you know how to use spell-check because it isn't really that hard" button
The "As I sit here in my room, searching for the meaning of life, at 3 in the morning, the world is passing me by. I see friends going off to college. I see people at my job transfering to new stores. I feel like i'm completely out of touch. I stand up and walk into the kitchen to grab of glass of water. I fill it up three quarters of the way and add five ice cubes to keep it cold. Due to the fact that I have sensitive teeth, I also grab a bendy straw. While in the kitchen I search for a little snack. A Hostess cupcake to be exact and I know EXACTLY where the cream filling is. I'm not about to fly into a fucking Hostess cupcake billboard on the side of the road outside of a broken down diner in the middle of a 113 degree desert, get my brains rocked, and ask where it is. I'm smart enough to identify what real food is and I refuse to be used for tacky, mid 90's, TV marketing. So now that I sipped my drink and ate my snack, I'm pretty content. I go check my myspace. No comments. I go onto Facebook. 2 Notifications!? ALL RIGHT! That puts me in the perfect mood to comment on somebodies "Happy" status! I'll sure make their day by being the 12th person to "Like" their status! Oh but wait! There's a button that allows me to show this person that even though I really don't know them too well, just from work and school, I kind of have a crush on them, but I really don't know where it's going. Maybe I can get their attention and engage in some sort of unrelated conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with their status. Sure people well get annoyed with all of the unnecessary notifications, but it's cool because if all goes well, maybe we can private message each other! I'll give her my number and we can text! That should lead to us setting up a dinner date! Hopefully we'll start a great relationship! well, here goes nothing!" button.
After all of this I bet somebody reading this thought I completely forgot about the huge red asterisk planted at the beginning of this rant. You were all ready to send me messages asking what the hell I was thinking. "Why would you put an asterisk, and not have any additional footnotes to go with it?" Well. How about you shut up. I got your footnote RIGHT HEREEEEE ***[GRABS CROTCH]*** ("Analyze This" reference. I shouldnt have to explain that. If you didn't watch the movie you should die. Like right away.)
(*FOOTNOTE: See all the i's that I used there? That actually makes that "one word" comment a "one and a half word" comment. I'll admit that I am in fact lazy sometimes when it comes to commenting, but at least I take the time and effort to show you that a little bit of thought was used. I could have spelt "Sick" with the traditional one "I" but I didn't. I used six because my name is Mike Borger and I care.....to an extent.)
No comments:
Post a Comment